


i knew you'd never forgive me (i was wrong)

by tokiwas



Category: Pacific Rim (Movies)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-28
Updated: 2018-03-28
Packaged: 2019-04-13 22:30:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,275
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14122206
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tokiwas/pseuds/tokiwas
Summary: Originally posted in the Pacific Rim Kink Meme way back in 2013.Prompt: "Herc thinks Chuck has never forgiven him for choosing him over Angela. I need Herc to realise that Chuck forgave him a long time ago. Can be during the movie or after, if Chuck lives. And I don't mind if Chuck tells him or if Herc just sees it in the Drift, I just need Herc knowing that Chuck forgives him and loves him."





	i knew you'd never forgive me (i was wrong)

**Author's Note:**

> Title taken from "I Was Wrong" by The Oh Hellos.

When they drift for the first time, it is overwhelming.

The only thing Herc can initially decipher from Chuck’s thoughts is hate. Hate, and so much of it. Hate towards Herc for not saving Angela, for saving him, for being able to drive a Jaeger and be so strong when back then he couldn’t even save his entire family. 

But the initial rush fades, and there is more. He feels Chuck’s self-hatred and guilt for being chosen, his anger at the whole world, his fear of disappointing his father (and with this Herc is shocked, because how could Chuck ever think that Herc was disappointed in him?), his loneliness, his sadness and grief and all the emotions a fifteen year old boy should never have.

He also feels bits and pieces of happiness. Joy at seeing Max for the first time. Happiness for graduating at the top of his class. Wonder at seeing the huge Jaegers, in all their majestic beauty.

But there is one thing that Herc can feel from Chuck which shocks him to the very core, and it is love.

At first he is unsure, for their neural handshake is strong and he isn’t even sure which thoughts and feelings are his, but he recognizes Chuck’s mind. Herc is stunned at the love Chuck feels for him. The love Chuck still feels for him. How much Chuck loves him, how secretly he was grateful for being saved, how much he wanted his dad to love him, to be proud of him. 

Herc almost lets his emotions take him, because these were the things that he had always wanted to tell his son.  _I’m sorry. I love you. I’m so proud of you. I always have been._

**

Chuck feels all of Herc’s emotions. The crippling self-hatred and guilt and anger that he couldn’t save mum. The overwhelming grief he felt when he found out mum was dead. The self-loathing at being able to save so many people, yet he couldn’t save his wife. The days he wanted to stop and grieve, to stop being a soldier, to stop being strong, to just crumple to the ground and cry because  _goddamnit_  he’s alive and his wife is dead because he couldn’t save her.

The hate towards Herc Hansen had always been shared by two. The inability to forgive Herc Hansen had always been shared by two. The guilt for living when Angela Hansen was dead had always been shared by two.

And Chuck feels all of Herc’s emotions towards him.

It is pride and fear and happiness and sadness and guilt. 

It is love.

There is no hate and blame and disappointment, like how he feared.

It is only  _love_ , and the vastness of it stuns him.

**

Despite all this, not once do they drop off course. They push this to the back of their brains, and they continue with their test run. But as the test run carries on smoothly, the thoughts and emotions flow, and father and son learn so much about each other, more than they ever have, more than they ever thought they would know.

When it is over they collapse on the floor of the Conn Pod and stay there, not saying anything. Even when the drift is done the weight of emotions is still heavy in the air, the thoughts of two ringing in their minds. The hate. The love.

Herc finally gathers up the courage to turn to Chuck, and Chuck hates how he moves, without thinking, into his father’s outstretched arms.

**

They drift for the second time, and the third, and the fourth, and every time it gets a little easier.

Outside the drift they are Jaeger pilots.

Inside the drift, they are family.

Whatever they never say to one another out loud, they say it in the drift. They engage in unspoken small talk, tell each other things, no matter how minor and worthless it may seem. They let out pent up emotions, unspoken thoughts, memories, everything. 

Despite this, their relationship outside the drift is the same as always, albeit a little bit of the heavy tension gone. Herc knows that despite having the drift, Chuck can never forgive him for not saving Angela, because he knows that he himself will never be able to.

It doesn’t matter to him. All that matters is that the drift gives him his son back. Gives him the chance to repair the damages Angela’s death did in their relationship. Gives him the chance to tell his son how much he loves him, how much he’s proud of him, eradicate any fear that his son thinks otherwise.

He doesn’t need his son’s forgiveness. All he needs is the drift.

**

Something changes on when they do another test run on the fifth anniversary of Angela’s death. 

The both of them wait impatiently in the Conn Pod, both hoping to get the test run done with so that they can get their hands on alcohol and drink to forget the incident that happened on this very day five years ago.

But once the neural handshake is initiated, they find something that shocks them to the very core.

It is forgiveness.

Herc had been expecting more hate than usual, but what he finds, he had never even thought of it.

Chuck had forgiven him.

Herc tries to think back, tries to remember what happened, what could be the catalyst for this forgiveness. But when he thinks back, he remembers the second drift, the third, all the ones that came after the first drift.

Forgiveness was always there.

They never noticed it, but it was always there.

Chuck had forgiven Herc a long time ago.

Chuck is just as stunned as Herc, and Herc guesses that his son had subconsciously forgiven him. It shakes him up even more. Chuck had forgiven Herc without even thinking about it, without contemplating, without making a decision. Chuck had just forgiven Herc, just like that.

One of the techs ask them whether they’re okay, their neural handshake is becoming unstable and Herc reassures him that they’re fine, they’ll start out the test run.

**

During the test run Chuck’s mind is a blur. He can’t even remember thinking about forgiving his dad. He always thought he would never forgive his dad for being unable to save mum.

He doesn’t know how to feel about this.

But deep down somewhere, he probably knew about this. The day he decided Hercules Hansen could be ‘dad’ again, after that first drift, when he was caught up in his father’s embrace, face pressed in his dad’s shoulder, breath ragged and hitching slightly, he had felt like a weight had been lifted off his chest, and that was probably the moment he had forgiven his dad.

Maybe he had never chosen to forgive, but he had forgiven his dad, and it felt right, somehow. Like it was something he had always wanted to do. And maybe he does – no, he really,  _really_  does forgive his dad.

_I forgive you._

Chuck sends the thought through the drift, a confirmation of his subconscious decision, and even though he doesn’t say it out loud, he can feel a lump in his throat at those words. But he swallows it down and pushes it aside, and continues with the test run.

**

Once it is over it feels like the first time they drifted, overwhelming and exhausting. They drop to the floor of the Conn Pod, just like how they did the first time they drifted, and they say nothing for a long time.

This time it is the both of them who reach out for each other.


End file.
